


A Parent's Mantle

by ForeverandForAlways



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 01:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12876897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverandForAlways/pseuds/ForeverandForAlways
Summary: He’s tired too, sometimes, of wearing the mantle of a parent when he never had the time to learn to wear it or the choice to put it on, tired of being a father who’s already lost two children, one by the hand of his brother and the other by his need to put space between himself and anything that can distract him from his obligations to Sam.A character study on Dean's reaction to Mary working with the British Men of Letters in Season 12, Episode 14 "The Raid"





	A Parent's Mantle

     When it comes down to it, it isn’t as hard for Dean to see her as the enemy as he thought it would be. He thought it’d be nearly impossible. Thought it’d hurt too much, grate away at decades-old wounds that had only just begun to heal. More painful than abandoning Cas. Maybe even as bad as losing Sam. But it’s not. She’s pleading her case when Sam interrupts.

     “When?” he asks, and it isn’t demanding. It’s tired. Dean has been on the receiving end of both of those tones from his brother; tired is worse. Demanding means Sam still has the grit to fight, to claw from the ground up if need be to find answers, do it the right way. Tired means he’s too beaten down to fight, means he’s given up. Dean has done a lot of things in his life – many of which he isn’t proud of – to keep Sam from giving up and he bristles instinctively against any perceived threat to his brother. Even his mom.

     She has the decency to look ashamed, darts her eyes anywhere but their faces. “Since…before the lake house.” Sam huffs, his eyes slightly glassy. Dean tightens his jaw in response. It is his job to keep his brother as pain-free as possible. Mary is their mother, but now it’s Dean’s parental instincts that are going into overdrive.

     “It wasn’t Wally,” she says, twisting her fingers together. “They brought me that case.”

     “You were runnin’ an errand for the Brits,” he says softly, “and you kept it from us.” His voice hardens, growing in volume. “Cas almost died.”

     “A hunter got killed,” Sam says quietly. An image of Sam’s mangled body – one he has seen too many times to require too much imagination – in place of Wally’s flashes in front of Dean’s eyes. It could have been Sam just as easily as it was Wally. It could’ve been Dean (although that’s only important so far as how much he knows that would hurt his brother). It almost was Cas. His anger peaks.

     “You think I don’t know?” and now she’s angry, defensive. Good. That’ll make it easier to fight. “I’m the one who burned his body. I’m the one who told his wife,” and all Dean can think is _it should have been you – you got him killed_. “I watch him die, every night.” He raises his eyes to her face, sifting through all he wants to hurl at her.

     He settles for “Good,” his voice steely and unwavering. Even his softer, more forgiving brother says nothing to ease her guilt.

     “I’m doing this for you!” she insists, her voice rising. Dean’s head jerks in disgust; he has made literal deals with the actual Devil to keep his loved ones safe, he knows when a price is too high and he pays it anyway if it keeps Sam alive, but he’s never been so self-righteous about the sacrifices of others. He knows his life is one mistake after another and he carries that weight on his shoulders, every day, in every decision, as any parent would. It seems his mother would rather grasp at excuses, like a child. It’s not encouraging to see their roles so reversed. “I’m playing three decades of catch up,” she tries again, but Dean’s patience is thin.

     “And we’re not?” he snaps. “How do you think this has been for us?” He senses, rather than sees Sam tucking in on himself and it fuels his anger. “We’re your sons, and you’ve been gone our whole lives. You’ve been gone.” She doesn’t say anything so he continues. “You said you needed time. No. You said you’d need space.” He raises his hands in surrender. “So we gave you space. But you didn’t need just space. You needed space from us.” Sam winces, as if the thought of someone needing space from him is a physical blow. It probably feels like one. Dean can relate. His little brother hasn’t spoken since she opened the floodgates, letting Dean step in, trusting Dean to defend him, to protect him against any pain that he can. It’s a job that should be Mary’s. It is not a responsibility Dean takes lightly.

     “That’s not true,” she grits out. “Dean, I’m trying.”

     “How about for once you just try to be our mom?” he explodes. He’s tired too, sometimes, of wearing the mantle of a parent when he never had the time to learn to wear it or the choice to put it on, tired of being a father who’s already lost two children, one by the hand of his brother and the other by his need to put space between himself and anything that can distract him from his obligations to Sam.

     “I am your mother, but I am not just a mom,” and God help him if he doesn’t see Rowena in her selfishness right there. At least Rowena is up front about who she is and the things she’s willing to do. “And you are not a child.” That last one hurts and the hurt feeds into the fury. He locks eyes with her. He wants her to understand. He wants to force his memories into her mind, wants her to see what her absence did. He wants her to know that John was never a father after that night, that after November 2nd, 1983 he was all but orphaned.

     He wants her to understand his childhood ended when he was four, that he has lived the life of a soldier almost since he was able to walk, perpetually put into danger by the man that should have protected him. He wants her to know that she has no claim to being Sam’s mother – Dean is Sam’s mother, and father, and brother, and anything else Sam needs him to be. Dean has been Sam’s caretaker decades longer than she has. It was Dean, not her, that raised Sam to be the strong, brave, selfless man that’s faced down Lucifer and fought at God’s side to save the world. Dean is proud of his little brother, loves him more than anything in the universe, needs him more than anything too. But the cost of raising Sam was Dean’s childhood, Dean’s innocence, and he never got to mourn that loss. He never had time to wonder what he might have been if he had been allowed to learn how to shoot baskets instead of bullets. Dean is furious that she can dare be so condescending, so _ignorant_ of the price he’s paid over and over and over again in a war that was started in her name, a war that was never his to fight.

     “I never was,” he bites out. One day, he will tell her everything that’s happened to him. Every bone he’s ever broken, every scar he’s ever had, everyone he’s ever lost. He will tell her in excruciating detail about Ellen and Jo and Bobby and Kevin and Charlie and how he couldn’t save them. He will tell her about Uriel and Lucifer and Zachariah and Azazel and Lilith and Abaddon and every supernatural powerhouse that’s ever tried to kill him. He will tell her what it felt like to be tortured by Alastair, he will tell her what it felt like to light fireworks with Sam in heaven. He will tell her about Lisa and Ben. He wants her to know everything he’s suffered in her name, she who was meant to be _his_ protector. One day, she might even deserve to know all that’s happened to Sam. He wants her to feel the guilt of failing them both. “So between us and them-”

     “It’s not like that,” she cuts him off but he pushes right back.

     “Yeah, Mary, it is.” All he sees in his head is the blood on Sam’s face, his burned and blackened skin. If she thinks his loyalty to her will trump that image, she has another thing coming. “And you made your choice.” Sam glances up at him. The physical wounds are long healed by now, but they were there, once, and Sam did suffer and Mary palling around with the people who caused it? Dean has one mission in life, has had one mission in life since he was four: protect Sammy. This instinct is so ingrained into his very being if it means throwing out his own mother, so be it. “So there’s the door.”

     He turns and stalks out of the room, into the study. He is unwilling to leave Sam alone with her, but he can’t bear to see her any longer. He hears her plead with her youngest son and he hears Sam telling her to leave. He half smiles. Once upon a time, Sam would have been easier to manipulate. Sam crosses into the study and the door to the bunker clangs shut. Dean rubs his hands down his face, dropping his head. Sam’s hand falls heavy onto his shoulder and Dean looks up, studying his brother’s face. There’s sadness there, and pain, but also loyalty and solidarity. For all that Sam is to Dean, Dean is just as important to Sam and his little brother is communicating comfort in the only way he knows how. Dean nods and watches protectively as Sam turns to head back to his room, shoulders hunched in, looking too small for the giant that he is.

     It isn’t as hard for Dean to shut her out as he thought it would be because she chose a side that’s threatened Sam, that’s almost taken his brother away from him. He had four wonderful years with Mary when he was young, but he spent the next eighteen raising Sam. He will not tolerate any harm done to Sam, it goes against the very grain of his being. The Brits are a threat to his brother and if Mary will not stand with Dean against them, she might as well be standing with them and he will not tolerate a threat so serious.

     Dean has lived a lifetime separated from Mary.

     He knows which one of them he is able to live without, and it certainly isn’t his brother.

* * *

     He knows Sam will forgive her, isn’t surprised, just a little stung, when it comes out that Sam’s gone over to their side. He’s been betrayed by his brother too many times to really feel the cut too deep; he knows Sam is sorry and he knows it won’t stop him from doing it again if he feels like he has to. (And if it gives him the tiniest bit of satisfaction that Sam feels even guiltier the more gracefully Dean handles being deceived, well, Dean’s earned that satisfaction. He’s never claimed he wasn’t damaged.) Besides, Dean learned the hard way that completely severing himself from Sam is a death sentence for the whole damn world. Dean is willing to bend a little if it will please his brother, but he won’t break. He is cruel so Sam can be kind, he stands guard so Sam can sleep. He holds grudges so Sam can forgive. Mary, at least, believes all is well again and she’s partially right. Dean still loves her – she is his mother, that makes her family – and he will fight with her and sacrifice for her and do almost anything to keep her safe. But she’s partially wrong, too. Because he will only protect her so long as that is synonymous with protecting Sam. Dean loves his mother but if he is ever forced to choose, it will be his brother every time. He would do almost anything for Mary but he would do _anything_ for Sam and if that means one day she becomes his enemy again, so be it.

     He has worn the mantle of a parent too long to shed it now.

**Author's Note:**

> I need to get out more. I just got so IRRITATED with Mary during these episodes because SHE DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT DEAN HAS BEEN THROUGH. Let's be real, Dean's the only responsible parent in the room. Anyway, rant over. Leave me some feedback please and carrots!


End file.
